


All There Is

by laura_b



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-27 04:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7604242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laura_b/pseuds/laura_b
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke finds comfort in the sound of Bellamy's voice, even when she knows she shouldn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys it's been a while since I posted last, but this story just wouldn't let go of me so here i am
> 
> If you wanna talk about bellamy blake im on tumblr
> 
>  
> 
> title is from The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater which you should definitely read.

Clarke lay in a bed, in a room, in a house that had once been her home. She hadn’t been back here since she left for college, had only been in town since for quick lunches or dinners with her father, always at times where her mother had been away for some conference or simply just in the middle of a long shift at the hospital. Now she was here, and as much as she didn’t want to be, hated what had drawn her back, she couldn’t help but let nostalgia wash over her. The smell of her childhood enveloped and suffocated her at the same time, and she couldn’t sleep. There were too few sounds outside the window and too many thoughts in her head, and so she did the unthinkable. 

She reached for the cell phone on her nightstand and dialed the number from memory. Octavia had deleted the contact from her phone when she stopped speaking to her brother, but for some reason it was stuck in Clarke’s brain. 

The phone rang for a long enough time that Clarke started to feel embarrassed. She knew for a fact that he was practically an insomniac like her, but if she had called him on a night where he had actually managed to fall asleep, she would feel bad. 

When it clicked and Bellamy mumbled a vague, “Hey Clarke, is everything okay?” Clarke had to catch herself from sighing in relief just at the sound of him. She could just picture him pushing his glasses away as he rubbed his eyes and frowned at his phone wondering why, after almost a year of complete radio silence, she was calling him now. 

“Did I wake you? Because you can just ignore me and go back to sleep if I did.” 

“No, no… I was grading some papers, my phone was just in my jacket.” 

“Oh, I didn’t mean to interrupt I’ll just –“ He interrupted her before she could offer to hang up just like she knew he would and somehow that made her feel even worse. She shouldn’t still be able to do that. 

“Clarke it’s fine. What did you want?” His voice is at the same time curious and agitated, and she feels a little bit like crying, even though that’s basically all she’s been doing for the past couple of days. 

“I kind of figured Miller would have told you by now, but um, yeah… My dad died?” When she says it, it sounds like a question, and she’s not sure what she expects the answer to be. 

“Oh… I’m so sorry Clarke, can I do anything?” And it’s just like him, the eternal big brother, wanting to take care of her. 

“No, um, just this is fine. I couldn’t sleep and I wanted to hear your voice so…” 

It feels almost like a confession and a sin at the same time, because she is not supposed to do this. Octavia is one of her best friends and she has cut her brother out of her life and Clarke’s by extension. If Octavia knew she was doing this, there would be a fight and she felt shitty enough already but. 

Maybe it was because she was under the same roof as her mother for the first time in years, maybe it was because she had put her dad in the ground only hours earlier but she felt defiant and carefree. This conversation, illicit as it may be, was making her feel better. And why shouldn’t she do whatever made her feel better? Bellamy was quiet for a couple of seconds, which felt longer than they probably were and then he sighed into the phone. 

“Yeah, I know what you mean. But I’m serious, let me know if there’s anything at all I can do.” 

“I will, but this is helping. You make me quiet, you know. I think I might even be able to sleep.” 

“You should do that then.” He was whispering now and there was a longing in his words that she felt reflected in her own. “But I’m glad you called Clarke.” 

“Me too.” And then he hung up and her mind was no longer crowded with thoughts but quiet, in peace, for a stolen few moments. She turned around in the too small twin bed and went to sleep, phone still in hand. 


	2. I

Depending on where you began the story, it was about Clarke Griffin. When she went to college it was with the knowledge that her mother would never want to talk to her ever again, and even though this probably should have burdened her, she was remarkably calm about it. When she had left the house with the last of her boxes, her father had squeezed her hand tight and pulled her into a hug, and she knew that she still had the one parent that mattered. She was going to be an art major at a small but fairly high ranked college on the east coast, and her mother who had always wanted her to follow in her footsteps and be a doctor, had not approved. 

Motherless and full of hope she walked in to the freshman dorms to find a whirlwind of a girl already unpacking in what was to be her home for the next year. The girl was bossing around an older boy who was not unattractive, with an exasperated familiarity that suggested that he was family. 

Clarke had introduced herself and found out that the girl was Octavia Blake and the boy was her brother Bellamy. 

“Well technically half brother, but who gives a shit right? We’ve been together our whole lives so whoever can’t deal with that can piss off.”   
  


It was almost a challenge, or a test to see how Clarke would react. 

“Anything you want is fine with me. I always wanted a brother actually. Only child.” 

“Well you’re lucky because it fucking sucks. One time I tried to go on a date and Bell actually asked the guy what his intentions towards me were. Like we’re in Gone with the Wind or some shit.” The way she said it made Clarke believe that it didn’t actually suck at all and the friendly shove her brother gave her and the tongue she stuck out at him in retaliation only confirmed it. 

“O, I’m headed to class but call if you need anything, or if there’s something you’ve forgotten at the house or anything.” 

“Thank you _mom_ , but I think Clarke and I will be just fine.”   
  


When he closed the door behind him, Octavia pulled out a bottle of vodka from under her bed and Clarke was honestly impressed with how fast she had gotten ahold of that. 

“Let’s get to know each other,” she said with a wicked grin. 

Clarke clicked with Octavia instantly and when freshman year was finally over Octavia invited her to stay with her and Bellamy in their house over the summer. They had grown up in town and Bellamy lived in their childhood home with his best friend Miller and Octavia over breaks. She had met Bellamy a couple of times and Miller once before. 

She liked Miller well enough, but whenever she hung out with Bellamy they would always argue over stupid shit like Nickelodeon versus Cartoon Network (she loved Legend of Korra, and he was really into Steven Universe) or what the best starter Pokémon was (She said Squirtle and he yelled at her for ten minutes). She did think he enjoyed it though, because he would always ask her to drink some water when they left the bar and if she could make it home okay by herself if Octavia was crashing on his couch. She liked it too, ever since she had been to college she had missed having someone to argue with the way she and Wells had always done. He was on the other side of the country and skype just wasn’t the same. Arguing with Bellamy Blake made her feel strangely at home and she was not even going to try to figure out what that meant. If that meant she had to live in a river in Egypt so be it. 

*** 

Clarke had never been good at sleeping, and sometimes she would feel trapped by her comforter like it was pushing down on her chest and suffocating her. Usually if she watched a couple of episodes of bad TV she would calm down enough to try and go to bed again but tonight in the dead of summer it was so inhumanly hot outside that no matter what she did, she felt like the air in the room was slowly expanding and squeezing her tighter and tighter. 

When she went out in the living room she was surprised to find Bellamy awake. He was reading a book, his glasses slightly crooked on his nose and she was struck again with how entirely beautiful he was. From the perfectly tousled curls to the freckles and the arms that promised strength and protection, he was really a sight to behold in the warmth of the night. She felt guilt at goggling at Octavia’s brother like this but nearly as much as she should have. 

“Couldn’t sleep either?” She meant for the question to sound cavalier but something in her voice was strained and she saw his eyebrows knit together in concern. 

“Hey Clarke. Are you alright?” 

“Yeah, um, fine, I just needed some air. Wanna come sit on the porch?” 

“Sure. Let me just grab you a glass of water.” 

She went out and sat, and when he came and sat next to her she accepted the glass of water without a word. 

“One time when I was like 7, I was trapped in an elevator for like 6 hours, so I get claustrophobic sometimes. And um, I guess panic attacks.” She hadn’t ever told anyone that before not even Octavia. She didn’t know why she was telling him but it felt right. 

“I used to lie awake for hours listening to my mom and her boyfriend at night. I wanted to be ready to get Octavia out of the house in case something happened. I never really got my ability to sleep at night back” She knew he had gotten custody of Octavia when he had been 18, because their mom went to jail, but that was pretty much all she knew about their childhoods. 

“Was it bad, when you were growing up?” 

“Sometimes. You know, sometimes we would have this perfect mother who took us to Disney world and brought home cake and came to our school events and then other times she would be gone for days and angry about the smallest things. You never knew what to expect.” 

“I’m sorry. I feel kind of shitty for bitching about my mom all the time now.” 

“Nah it’s fine. Just because we had a horrible childhood doesn’t mean that you don’t have shit to deal with too.” 

They talked for a while and Clarke’s thoughts became less loud, the air less pressing and eventually she felt herself drifting off leaning on Bellamy’s shoulder. He leaned over to tuck the blanket over her and she wondered what it meant that this boy, whom she had argued with since she met her, had made her busy head slow down and what it meant that they had not argued once since they had sat down. 

*** 

It became a habit after that night. 

When school started again Clarke moved all her stuff into the Blake house permanently along with Octavia, because it was cheaper than dorm housing, and because Bellamy hated not having his sister around. 

When she couldn’t sleep she would go out into the living room and more often than not he would be there, reading or watching Netflix or doing the enormous pile of dirty dishes. Sometimes they would talk, quietly, whispering, like they were sharing secrets, and sometimes they would just sit on the front porch and Clarke would focus on her breathing getting steadier and calmer, and not how her hand would tingle when it brushed his or how he would put his arm around her and tighten his grip if she leaned against his shoulder, automatically as if he didn’t even know he was doing it. 

It felt like something she should have told Octavia about but it had never come up, and Clarke wasn’t totally certain how her friend would react if Clarke told her that she might possibly, maybe _, probably,_ be in love with her brother. 

She never got the chance though because one day a couple of months into her junior year she came home to the house she shared with the Blakes and Miller, the house where she had felt more at home than she had ever felt in her own home with her mother always breathing down her neck, to find Octavia furiously packing box after box of her stuff, throwing clothes haphazardly into suitcases and hurling books at the wall. 

“Octavia, what the fuck?” When Octavia saw Clarke she slumped down like all her energy left her all at once and sat on the floor knees touching her chin. 

“Did I ever tell you why Bellamy got custody of me?” 

“No, what does that have to—“ Octavia cut her off, voice completely dead. 

“Our mom went to prison. Turned out she had been running some kind of drug ring out of the house, or her shitty boyfriend did, and she didn’t stop him. I mean they literally found heroin under the fucking floorboards Clarke.” Clarke wasn’t sure what to do with this version of Octavia, this angry girl who looked younger than Clarke had ever seen her. 

“So she goes to jail right, gets sentenced to like 18 months, 12 on good behavior and already Bellamy and I are freaking out because he just turned 18. I mean all my life he took care of me right, like by that point he was working 3 jobs just to pay the gas bill you know. But yeah, we figured we could become emancipated or whatever and I could keep living with him, only 8 days into her sentence my mom is stabbed to death in the prison yard during some fucking riot.” Her voice broke and Clarke could tell that this wound had not yet healed for Octavia. She doesn’t see her mom as a person who neglected her for 15 years, but as the person who loved her and took care of her. 

“Octavia I’m so sorry. But what does that have to do with this?” 

“It’s Bellamy’s fault. He killed her.” The way she says it made Clarkes spine tingle. Without any inflection or feeling at all, like it was happening to someone else, anyone else. 

  
“What? What does that even mean?” 

“It _means_ that Bellamy was the one who got our mom sent to prison. He killed our mother Clarke and I’ll be damned if I stay in this house with him another second.” She was fury pure and simple, a woman scorned by someone she loves and Clarke had no idea how to fix this. 

“How do you even know this? Who told you?” 

She choked out a bitter chuckle like life was playing a joke on her and she couldn’t help but appreciate the effort. 

“I ran into this kid Murphy, who Bell used to hang out with. We talked for a while, and he asked what Bell had done with the heroin they found. Apparently they found the stash and Bellamy must have called the cops. He would have told me otherwise. The only possible reason he wouldn’t is that it was him. So I called him and asked, and he said yes so now I’m getting the fuck out of here.”   
Clarke didn’t even know where to begin, but she knew that if Octavia left this house it would be irreparable. Both of the Blakes were too proud. Way too proud to admit when they were wrong and too stubborn to see the other’s point of view. 

“I don’t… Octavia, don’t you think you should wait and talk to Bell, see what he has to say before you decide anything.” 

Octavia got up off the floor and started folding her clothes deliberately, and eerily calm. Without even looking up she said: 

“No. I don’t. And if you stay here with him I will never speak to you again.”   
  


So Clarke left, because Octavia was her best friend. She was heart broken and torn apart and when she carried the last box to her car Bellamy stood in the door watching her leave with eyes that looked almost as she felt. She knew she shouldn’t but as she had done so often before, she ignored her instincts and ran over to hug him goodbye. His arms came around her slowly, but when they did, they gripped her tightly almost crushing her too him. They stood there for a long time, breathing each other in for what felt like the last time, and the she got in her borrowed car and drove away. 


	3. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is part 3 hope you like!

Depending on where you began the story, it was about Bellamy Blake. To put it mildly, he had been having kind of a shitty year. His sister had stopped talking to him, and if he was honest with himself he deserved it. He had killed his own mother, trying to keep his sister safe, and now he could barely tolerate himself. He was still living in the same house where he had grown up, his best friend was about to move in with his boyfriend which meant he would have to find a new roommate, and honestly he could not deal with a bunch of craigslist weirdos right now, and his other best friend had left when his sister did. The thing that made him feel the shittiest was how much he missed Clarke. She had creeped up on him slowly but surely, making him expose sides of him no one else had seen for such a long time. 

When they had sat next to each other night after night, joined together by the demons keeping them both awake the world had almost felt fair to Bellamy. He had been dealt a lot of shit in life, but with Clarke asleep on his shoulder in the dewy morning hours where everything felt possible somehow, he was alright. 

The Clarke-shaped hole in his life was something he had never gotten entirely used to, so when one night he saw her name flash across his phone screen as he rushed to answer it after the sixth ring, his breath got caught in his throat for a moment. 

He cleared his throat and his thoughts and spoke. 

““Hey Clarke, is everything okay?” She laughed a bitter laugh in response, and god, just the sound of her voice, raspy and low, made some forgotten puzzle piece inside him click in place. 

The conversation was short, nothing life altering, but just the fact that she had called him felt _big._ He put aside the forgotten papers that still needed to be graded. She wanted to hear his voice. He immediately shut himself down before he got his hopes up. Her father had jut died, and she was probably really vulnerable right now. Vulnerable wasn’t usually a word people used to describe her, but she had let him see that side of her. He had no idea what to do with this information so instead he shuffled into his bedroom and went to sleep. He did always sleep better after talking to Clarke. 

*** 

Clarke had buried her father yesterday and she felt like she deserved to make some bad decisions. She had earned the right to fuck up her life a little. Or at least that was what she told herself when she dialed Bellamy’s number again that night. Her mother had been quiet today, almost disconcertingly so. They hadn’t fought as Clarke had expected, her mother had just grabbed Clarke’s hand and squeezed tightly when they had been sorting through the lasagnas and casseroles left by well meaning neighbors. Neither of them had said anything, they had just clutched each other and in the silence that spread before them were all the things they could never say to each other. 

Afterwards her mother had said, “I love you Clarke, I hope you know that” and even if Clarke hadn’t quite believed her, she told her mother she loved her too and continued sorting through the mountain of food before her. 

She called him earlier tonight, not even bothering trying to fall asleep on her own before seeking comfort in his voice. 

He picked up on the second ring. 

Before he could say anything she whispered a soft “Hey.” 

“Clarke.” 

In his voice her name was a sigh and a prayer. 

“I really shouldn’t be calling, I know, it’s just… Could you maybe tell a story or something? I spent the whole day not talking to my mother and avoiding basically everyone I knew in high school and my brain just won’t shut up.” 

She heard the smile in his voice when he replies. 

“Yeah of course. Just wait a second.” She heard his breathing as he walked, heard him speaking to someone in the background, probably Miller and then she heard him shut a door. 

“So did I ever tell you about Orestes? See he was the son of this really bad dude Menelaos and…” 

When he told the story she was back on the porch, feeling the light breeze and listening to the insects humming aimlessly in her ear. She drifted off slowly and with the sound of him enveloping her completely. 

*** 

This nightly phone call became routine for her, and they continued when she went back home to her normal life. She felt that same feeling of home when she talked to Bellamy about her day, or something funny one of his students had said that day. His voice had become her safe haven, the thing she clung to, to feel safe and protected. When they talked her pulse slowed, her brain grew quiet and limbs felt lighter somehow. She was in trouble. They never talked about the things that mattered and Clarke was at the same time, glad and frustrated. She knew it would be a tough conversation and she didn’t want the phone calls to stop. But at the same time she wanted more, and she knew she would never have it if she didn’t address the elephant in the room. 

In the end she didn’t have to. She had forgotten to call him that night, because Octavia had decided to crash on her couch after some date with some fitness instructor she had met. She apparently needed to gush, and Clarke got so caught up in her life that she forgot to check the time. 

Her phone rang, and when she saw his name on the screen she snatched up her phone, too quick to be inconspicuous, blurted out, “It’s my doctor.” To Octavia’s bemusedly bewildered face and bolted for the bathroom. 

“Shit Bellamy, you can’t just… Octavia’s here, fuck.” 

“Clarke what? She doesn’t know we’re speaking?” As he talked she could hear his voice drop, from quietly pleasant to the darker tone he reserved for people he didn’t know, and people he hated. He was angry. 

“Of course not, she would kill me. You know that.”   
  


“I don’t know that Clarke, because I barely know anything about my sister these days. Do you have any idea how it feels to be your dirty little secret? I mean for christ’s sake, you don’t talk to me in a year and then you decide to – no you know what, never mind. I give up. See you around.” The phone beeped and she choked back a sob, surprising herself. How had she gotten this far out of her depth? She had never to hurt him, had only wanted to feel like she could breathe again. 

She had been living in a sort of bubble after her dad’s death, and now that it had popped she could see how badly she had treated him. She had to stop ignoring the truth and face the fact that she wanted him. She wanted to kiss him so badly even though she hadn’t seen him for a year, but she also wanted to come home to his little house that smelled of him, and talk about nothing and everything. She wanted to hold him and for him to hold her, and she was done pretending she didn’t. 

In her mind a plan took form. First she would have to make it right with him and then… She would have to tell Octavia. 

*** 

A couple of days after the last phone call and a couple of weeks after that first desperate conversation on the day of her father’s funeral, when she had gathered her courage Clarke called Bellamy again, and when he picked up it was without a word of greeting. 

“So um… I wanted to apologize I guess.” There was a long silence and she so badly wanted to see his face right now, to look at him and know exactly what he was thinking. 

“What are you sorry for Clarke?” He sounded tired and spent, like the world was slowly crushing him, and he had decided to stop fighting it. “Like, are you sorry for not calling me for almost an entire year or for calling again and dangling things in front of me that I thought were gone for good, because I need to know what kind of reaction you want me to have, Princess.” 

The old nickname stung and she reveled in the pain because she needed it. She could deal with his anger, she knew how to fix it, unlike the rest of her life. 

“Both, I guess. I just… I should’ve never let Octavia leave that day, but Bell, she needed me so much more than you did. She was my first friend in college, okay? And she was pissed, and sad, and I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry” 

“You know I called her on her birthday last month and she didn’t pick up. We were almost inseparable for 20 years and now she won’t even pick up when I call. How many times do you think I need to apologize Clarke?” She could almost taste his bitterness and her heart broke for this boy, who had to apologize for taking care of people, and who always blamed himself when people left him. She wanted, in that moment, to roll him up in a blanket and protect him from the world for the rest of her life. 

“You don’t have to do anything, Bell. Octavia may not believe that you did the best you could but I do, okay? And I want you to know, I missed you. I have kept my distance for long enough for her sake, but my dad is dead, and all I can think about is how fucked up it is that I can’t talk to you about it. So Octavia will be pissed at me for talking to you and I will do it anyway because I am a goddamn grownup.” 

“Okay.” When he said it, hesitantly, tentatively, she could tell that he didn’t quite believe her. She took a deep breath and took the plunge. 

“Can you come get me? Like, can we just drive around for a little while?” 

“I’ll be there in 20.” He was there 17 minutes later and they spent the night alternating between driving in silence him in the driver’s seat, her in the passenger seat, and parking at the side of the road, talking quietly and holding on to the other’s hand. It felt like one of those first nights, years ago when life had seemed easier, more doable, and the empty road stretched out ahead of them was an invitation. 

When they were outside her apartment once more she leaned over and touched one of his unruly curls. He was wearing his glasses and their slight crookedness was so achingly familiar. He caught her hand and her eyes met his. 

The want she saw in them was new, not something he had let her see before now, and when she kissed him she tried to tell him everything she could never tell him with words just like she had done that day in the kitchen with her mother. The kiss was gentle, they were feeling each other out, getting comfortable with this new experience and she left the car feeling lighter that she had in years. She fell asleep the moment she hit the pillow and the first thing she did when she woke up, was text him. 

**I am telling Octavia today. I love you.**

His reply came seconds later. 

**I love you too.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last chapter will probably be up tomorrow or the day after, depending on whether i have time to write before i get myself embarrassingly drunk tomorrow ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> as always come talk to me about the blessing that is Bellamy Blake if you want


	4. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long. Life got in the way and then I just gave up I guess, but I just got hit with the inspiration so here is the final chapter, hope it was at least a little worth the wait :)

Depending on where you began the story, it was about Octavia Blake. Octavia loved her mother unquestionably and without any reservations. She knew, when she became a bit older, that her mother was not like other mothers, but she could never bring herself to care because Octavia lived for the moments when her mom would be completely present. They would bake cookies, and watch her favorite shows together. They would paint and Aurora would laugh at Octavia’s jokes and smile at her with lights in her eyes, and Octavia would feel _loved_. 

Sometimes she would do those things with Bellamy too, but it was never quite the same. She loved him too, of course, but not quite as desperately. When she became older still, she realized that Bellamy was probably more of a parent to her that her mother was, and whenever Aurora brought home a new man and told Octavia in a hushed voice that this was the _one,_ the house would feel different, and Bellamy would inevitably hover around her, always with one eye on their mother’s boyfriend until it went bad and it was just the three of them again. 

It was usually after a break-up that Aurora was most like the mother Octavia always longed for. She would pay attention, ask about her day, her friends, boys. Then after a week or a month she would disappear into herself again, and sometimes it seemed like she didn’t even know who Octavia was. She never held it against her though, knew it was something she couldn’t help, and Octavia loved her mother anyways. 

So when Octavia’s mom and her mom’s boyfriend were arrested for possession and intent to sell, she was heartbroken. When her mom was killed in a prison riot 8 days later she was inconsolable. Bellamy had started the process of getting her emancipated so they could stay together, but when her mother died it became irrelevant. Bellamy was 18 and had a steady income and no one else wanted her. 

She stayed with her brother in their childhood home, and it was good. When her mother had first died, she wanted to leave, get as far away from all the memories as possible, but they couldn’t afford to move to another place and so they stayed. Eventually she became grateful. It was mostly a comfort to be surrounded by memories of her mother every day and the pain became less and less. 

Sometimes she felt bad for keeping Bellamy from having a real college experience. He got a scholarship to the college in town so he could live at home with her and worked several part-time jobs to make sure she could go too someday. 

So when she started college herself it was a relief. She loved her brother but honestly, sometimes you would think she was a baby bird and he was the epitome of a mother hen. She knew a lot of people already and loved her roomie. Clarke was the funniest drunk person of all time and the only person she knew who could rival her brother in worrying, so when her brother basically begged her to move back in the house it was a no-brainer that Clarke would come too. 

When Octavia found out that her brother was the reason her mother was dead she was oddly calm. Of course she felt the fury roll through her body but her mind was crystal clear. She went home, started packing her stuff and when Clarke came home she gave her the ultimatum. Some part of Octavia had actually expected Clarke to stay or at least fight her more, but she gave up quickly and started packing her things too. When they left and Octavia saw Clarke run back to hug Bellamy she got in the car and decided to forgive Clarke. She didn’t deserve to be caught up in this but Octavia was getting the hell away from her brother, and she wanted her best friend to be on her side. Clarke was in the car seconds later and when they drove away neither Clarke nor Octavia looked back. 

*** 

“Octavia, there’s something I need to tell you.” 

Clarke had to force the words out as soon as she saw her best friend because if she didn’t she was afraid she would never say them at all. 

“Hello Octavia how was your day? Why Clarke, it was fine thank you for asking, how about you?” 

Clarke gritted her teeth. 

“I’m serious O, we need to talk.” Octavia finally looked up from the magazine she had been reading and lifted her eyebrows expectantly. 

“It’s about Bellamy.” 

“Clarke, I don’t actually care about anything he has to say to me, so if he wants to try to use you as a messenger you can tell him to fuck off. 

“Well I –“ She got cut off. 

“Actually why are you even talking to him in the first place? He hasn’t tried to talk to me since my birthday a couple of months ago, and you guys haven’t talked in what? Like over a year?” 

“He sort of –“ 

“I honestly can’t believe him. I mean, how long will it take for him to understand that I want nothing to do with him. And for him to go through you is just low, like when will he give up?” 

“ _Octavia!”_

Now that she had her attention Clarke took a deep breath and launched in to it. 

“Look I need you to listen to me for a bit. I know you’re probably going to be pissed at me, so I just need you to let me talk and then you can do whatever you want after that.” 

Octavia sat up straighter and her forehead was screwed in worry and concentration. 

“I don’t know if you actually know this but when you and me and Bellamy and Miller lived together sophomore and junior year he and I… talked a lot. We were both practically nocturnal back then, as you know, and we would keep each other company at night. I promise, nothing ever happened back then, and when we moved out I didn’t talk to him anymore, because i _knew_ you needed me more Octavia but. 

When my dad died I had a panic attack for the first time in like forever. And then when i was at home in my own bed in that house with my mother who can barely look at me, I could just feel it coming again. I lay there in my bed and it was creeping up on me and so i called him.”  
  


She didn’t even say his name but Clarke could see on Octavia’s face that she may as well have screamed it. She looked betrayed. 

“He makes me quiet Octavia. When the world is loud and I can’t think straight or think at all, he makes me quiet. He makes me calm, and when I talk to Bellamy it feels like I can breathe again. 

I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear from me, and I understand if you never want to talk to me again. You are my best friend Octavia and you mean the world to me, but I love Bellamy, and I probably have since that first time we really talked. And if you make me choose it will be him, because I don’t think I can live without him.” 

Rarely, did Clarke look at Octavia and not know what was going on in her head. Right now though her face was a mask, and Clarke was unable to read her. 

It was quiet for a long time but then: 

“Is that all you have to say?” Still, Clarke did not know what she was thinking. 

“It’s all there is.” 

“I think you should probably leave now. Not – like you can come back or whatever, but I really need to be alone right now if that’s okay.” 

“Yeah of course. I’ll just see you tomorrow.” 

She grabbed a change of clothes and went to see Bellamy. 

*** 

“I honestly have no idea how she took it. Actually I don’t even think she knows how she feels.” 

Clarke was tucked in to Bellamy’s side and if she could spend the rest of her life right there with his arm around her, she would not be unhappy. He was stroking her arm slowly but she could feel how tense he was. 

It had surprised her a little, how quickly they fell back into their old rhythm. His house had always felt like the closest to a true home that she had ever had, and being back felt like slipping in to an old comfortable t-shirt. Except when she had lived here last time, they had still just been friends. Now she could touch him whenever she wanted, could kiss him and sit enveloped in his scent, his arm across her shoulder and her head on his chest. This was definitely an improvement, and she could not believe she had waited this long. 

She felt bad, of course. Octavia was her best friend, and she must be going through, if not hell then at least a lot of different emotions right now. 

“Well I’m glad you told her. I just wish…” 

Clarke took her head off his chest and stroked his cheek. 

“I know. She’ll come around or she won’t but Bell… You can’t feel bad for keeping your sister safe. It was a shitty situation and you did the right thing, and if she can’t see that, well then it’s her loss. You are an amazing person, and she’s lucky to have you as a brother.” 

Bellamy closed his eyes and sighed once, and then he leaned in, slowly, and kissed her. It was a short kiss but it was clear that he was thanking her. She wondered how long he had been waiting to hear those words. 

“I love you, do you know that?” She smiled at him teasingly. 

“Yeah, I think, you’ve mentioned it once or twice.” 

He nudged her with his shoulder and she grinned at him. 

“Fine, I love you too. You big sap.“ 

“Oh, I’m a sap? You told my sister you couldn’t live without me, so I actually think that the award for Sap of the Year goes to miss Clarke Griffin!” 

She tickled his ribs and he retaliated by bear hugging her and throwing her on her back on the couch. Then he lay down on top of her and relaxed his entire body so that she was completely trapped underneath his body weight. 

She giggled and tried wriggling out from under him but she was really stuck. 

“No fair, you are so much bigger than me!” 

He grinned. 

“Do you capitulate?” 

“God, you’re such a nerd, yes, I give up!”  
  


“What’s my prize?” He had a wicked grin in his eyes and her entire body started tingling. She could feel every point of contact and when she kissed him, he responded eagerly. She was so completely at ease with him. She felt safe and happy and – 

Clarke’s phone rang. 

It took her awhile to get herself untangled from Bellamy, and the phone was on its fifth ring when she picked up. 

“Hey, Clarke” 

“Hey O.” 

Bellamy went completely still beside her. 

  
“Are you with Bellamy right now?” 

“Yeah he’s right here, why?” 

Bellamy took her hand and she gripped it, trying to convey her love through touch alone. 

“Can I talk to him?” 

*** 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the very nice comments on the previous chapters, it really means a lot.


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